I’ve been a performing artist for money ever since I was about 13 years old. Throughout high school and university I thought of myself as a performer. (I’m using the term “performer” because I have called myself a professional musician and a professional actor at several stages in my life.)
Particularly when I was trying to get started as an actor in New York, I used to expend a lot of energy and stress trying to figure out “who I was,” by which I mean what kind of performing persona was most likely to get me hired. Was I a young leading man? A character actor? A comedian? A musical actor? Something else? I never exactly zeroed in on any of those, which might have something to do with my not “making it” big as an actor. (That and my desire to stay married.)
Last night at my church, we had our once-a-year “Open Mike Night,” which is just what it sounds like. Anybody who wants to sing or play something can get on the program. A few dozen people from the congregation come to listen. A handful of folks, some of whom really don’t otherwise get up in front of an audience too much, present their musical tidbits. It’s a lot of fun, and yet we would never dream of putting out a CD of the result. We just do it for fun.
Or, actually, why do we do it?
I was thinking about this this morning. Why does a performing artist perform? For some people it was pretty scary getting up in front of friends and casual acquaintances to sing. You expose a lot about yourself when you do that. It’s not only about one’s singing voice; it’s also about one’s taste in music, one’s confidence in one’s presentation of self to others, even one’s ideology and point of view.
People who perform are famously driven by ego, but this Latin word for “I” can be applied to anyone. Everybody has an ego, and everybody wants his/her ego fed by approval. One of our first urges is for approval from Mom. When our friends approve of our song (recitation, magic trick, etc.), it’s even better. Mom pretty much has to approve, but friends don’t, necessarily. And when strangers approve, well, then you are somebody.
I guess I’ve been looking for approval from strangers all my life. When casting directors and talent agents gave me approval in my New York years, it put me on top of the world. And when I got nothing from them but indifference, it put me into a deep, funky depression.
It’s taken a long time to get a good perspective on this. And I’m still working on it.
Categories: performing, acting, music